The Once-ler Won

Why Spoil the Surprise

My True Love Gave to Me

[insert poignant observation about the holiday season here.]

So This is How it Ends

Just as Good as a Pancreas

Not Like In The Movies

So here's a treat for all of you: in honor of the holiday season, we will be posting updates every day until Christmas =) Happy festivus for the rest of us!

We Can't Go Back

So these couple of days are very stressful for those of you waiting on college results. I know you guys don't want to hear about school, but I've been so frustrated by this whole process. Rejection hurts like hell. Naturally. The problem is, a lot people of become fixated on this idea of what they want for themselves, and then when they don't necessarily get it, they fall into this depression thing where suddenly their futures are hopeless and ruined and they'll never be successful again. But really, think about how many more times you're going to get rejected in life. Failure occurs more often than not -- that job you weren't hired for, or the girl you'll never get a date with. Are you going to cry about it every time? Of course not! Think of all the things that'll be happening around you as you sit at home and mope. Life doesn't wait for you to get over every little failure. Yes, college is a big deal. But your future doesn't have to depend on it. If a mindless application form and 500 words defines how you spend the rest of your life, what's the point of all the rest? Your future isn't just a straight road stretched out in front of you. Maybe you're just taking a detour, or maybe you'll discover a completely new path. Okay, you didn't get your first choice. But if you keep your mind open, chances are you'll realize that there is more than one way to be happy. So go find your next opportunity!

By the way, congratulations to all who got accepted! :D
-Amy

Anonymous

fire crackling beneath exposed socks consuming the black vacant void above lonely stars smoke consumes the ashen faces the bliss a sham but onlookers missing the flames the destruction the hope and self-pity of convincing yourself that twilight will come with a bottle of vodka grasping for a rope gasping for air consumed by spontaneity we wonder when salvation meant more than an improvised protest and proverbial hearts worn on our sleeves baking sprinkled cupcakes we wonder how to crucify ourselves on cheap mascara a diet of gum and water starvation is never enough for postmodern decadence cadences dissonance we wonder if redemption will come with white nectarine and pink coral blossoms shampoo radiating among the smoke fizzing bubbling singing laughing tearing stop snap crackle and pop tarts burning in the oven with the smell of Christmas morning fading away with proverbial sparks the most beautiful tragedy of the year but we forget the freckles lined up like soldiers ready to die for a packaged cause money back guarantee entwined in you and me we fall from grace inferiority a shadow looming overhead.
-Gal

Misconceptions

When in the pursuit of love a love so true so deep don’t sh sh sh sha la don’t ruin a good thing don’t pursue only sh sh sh sha discard your halfway hopes your downtrodden exhausted hopes to settle instead for a functional relationship I expand the differererence being tact not honesty so do not ruin a good thing but say what is right though not necessarily true like I love the way your sweat your skin under the bright sun of a blue summer a green summer a yellow not necessarily a gray I love the way your eyes make me feel meditated enlightened reincarnated your fingers your teeth your your you’re smiling as if to say do not ruin a good thing darling as if to say without honesty you may fail to find with tact the perfect romance the perfect man the perfect kiss but at least you will be happy when tact not honesty is most important for how else do politicians ruin a good thing when I mean to say love is not a democracy not a choice by the people but an accident.
-Amy

Garfield Gone Wild

For Health Reasons

I've often wondered about that feeling you get when you're with someone you love. Or lust for. The butterflies, as it were. The overwhelming feeling of being excited just at the sight of a person - at the thought of being near them, even for a moment. Where does this feeling come from? It's quite similar to feeling sick, in a way. You get flushed, your heart races, your blood seems to pound in your veins. Yet, we instinctively interpret it as a good feeling: we become addicted to the rush of love, addicted to the idea of being in love. So where does the distinction come from? Why don't we seek the feeling of being sick (or perhaps we do)? And why don't we avoid love like the plague its symptoms resemble? Maybe some of us do. Maybe the distinction is too fine for some of us to notice, that we recoil at our emotions, and run away from romantic opportunity. We get that feeling in our stomach, we notice our heart constricting, and we think: oh no. Not this again. So we sabotage our love lives. Only to discover that pangs of loneliness aren't a big improvement.
-Gal

Can I just add that Gal is my soulmate? I don't mind being lovesick for her.
-Amy

Skipping Pleasantries

So who doesn't have strange fetishes? People shouldn't be judged for liking feet...or urination. Whatever gets you hard, right? In any case, bodily fluids are a lot less damaging than heartbreak. Society is so used to judging other people's quirks that we don't notice that our collective fetish does more harm than any other: a fetish for love. Sure, it sounds innocent enough, but it always ends the same way -- and broken hearts don't heal as well as scarred thighs. At least people get pleasure out of S&M. No one asks to have their feelings hurt, and when it happens, it's not even much of a turn on. So you might be disgusted by our sexual practices, but we won't be the ones with urinary tract infections. Who's hot now, bitch?
-Amy

Sugar Rush

Not So Free Fall

We've all been there - disaster. You see it coming and you find yourself the deer in the headlights, caught with no escape. Sometimes it's a car crashing towards you; other times, it's the one person you know you shouldn't fall for. With all our prefrontal cortex advancements, you'd think humans would have more reasoning skills. You'd think we'd be able to, as we see our mistakes unfold, say "i should stop while i'm ahead!" But alas, we know we're making the wrong choice, and we know we'll pay for it tomorrow, but there's no way to change it. It's like those dreams where you feel like you can't move. Your muscles lock and you find yourself frozen in time - except time keeps moving. It's paralysis of the mind: something up there just freezes up, the signals stop, and you fall. You fall so deep and so fast that all it takes is a second of hesitation and the mistake has been made; and then you're in it for good with little chance of climbing out. So like Alice, as she fell down the rabbit hole, all you can do is wait - and hope there's something at the bottom to break your fall.

-Gal

Like a Bad Porno

Now, I know we're always complaining that chivalry is dead, but really, no one wants a man who says "Please" and "Thank you" during sex and wants to cuddle afterward. God, save it for your mom. And, y'know, sometimes a two minute jerk-off after dinner on Wednesday night isn't enough! Sure, an opened door and a tipped hat are pretty nice, but you've got to respect our other needs too. This is not even about a toe-curling, top-of-the-lungs, bang-me-against-the-headboard fuck -- maybe all we're looking for is a little passion. Or maybe we're just tired of faking our orgasms.
-Amy

To be honest, I'm looking for a toe-curling, top-of-the-lungs, bang-me-against-the-headboard fuck.
-Gal

Just Fuck Off

And so ends your first week of rationing. Did you survive? Did it help you understand the mentality of Americans during the world wars? Do you suddenly have the urge to BUY BONDS? Unfortunately, from here on out, your strength shall be tested further. Updates will now only be on Fridays: another reason to love that glorious day. Maybe what we lose in frequency, we'll make up for in quality. Or maybe you'll just wait a whole week to get some shit. Whatever.

-Gal

I'm a Cowgirl

New Posting Schedule

Alas! The time has come for us to cut you off from your daily escape from intimacy! No, not really... you'll just have fewer escapes. For this week, we shall update Monday, Wednesday, and Friday as a sort of transitional period for you. Afterwards, updates will only be once a week :o i know, it's devastating, but think how much you'll look forward to that one day, whenever it might be. If you have any concerns about your mental health during this weaning-off period, find something else to fill the void: i like to drink my way out of emptiness.
-Gal

I Found I Could Cry

Down Memory Lane

She Looked Beautiful

Unrequited love is familiar territory - we can look to the great Masters like Shakespeare, Eliot, and Cervantes to understand it and move on. But what happens when we need to move on from the reciprocated? While seemingly simple, the complications of mutual love are magnified by their infrequency: we have no one to tell us how to deal when this idyllic situation goes awry. Because usually, things work out; A + B, provided mutual attraction, yield C: a carefree couple that's madly in love. But when they don't? Then we're on our own. We can't continue with the naive belief that emotions alone drive our love lives; we can't assume that if something is meant to be, it actually will be. Life just gets in the way sometimes. We feel the chemistry, the proverbial sparks, but no amount of passion can overcome the boundaries of circumstance. Love does not always conquer all. So how can you change your emotions, when logically, if two people love one another, they live happily ever after? How do you live knowing you grasped perfection, but life took it away?
-Gal

Out of This World

It's Win-Win!

When We Get Off

Call Me Jenny

Don't Judge Us!

Dead Baby Jokes

They Smell Like Him

Why is it that we're constantly drawn towards the people and things that give us pain? Whether it's unhealthy relationships, dangerous activities, or a high pressure life, we never stop to backtrack into safe territory. We cross the line between something that's secure to enter a forbidden area: we see the signs that say "Warning: High Voltage" but we enter anyways. Is it because we think we're stronger than those who came before us? We watch ourselves make the mistakes of our predecessors, but we constantly think that somehow, this time it'll be different. We'll make it different. Or maybe we're all masochists in a way - the pain starts to feel good once in a while when we forget what true misery is like. Does the suffering make us feel real? Or are we just searching for pain because that's the only way we can be sure to relate to the human experience? As REM already told us, everybody hurts: maybe we unconsciously put ourselves in vulnerable positions because we're programmed to try to act human - or at least like our version of it. Or maybe it's like that saying: Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop. We just happen to have a hard time stopping.

-Gal

Spacier Than an Astronaut

It's Been 13 Years

Puts a whole new spin on being hard.

-Gal

Good Riddance

Don't Look Down

Damaged Goods

Actually, we've found that even assholes won't fall in love with us.

Happy Anniversary

Surprise!

We'll Feast Like Kings

The Last Battle

Why do we have to wait for something like this to happen before we can get close to someone? While it's great that a crisis can bring two people together, why can't people have the foresight to express themselves before they feel an impending loss? If we forget to tell the people we love how we feel about them, we may find that when that long-anticipated crisis comes, it'll be too late. So don't wait to be cornered! Tell your mom you love her every night.

-Gal

I Need New Shoes

"I like doody." -Amy

Please

One Morning

And They Were Purple

Oh sure, it sounds like a ridiculous progression of conversation. But alas, many members of the male species seem to think that licking, among other actions, is a sign of virility - that we women quake and drop our panties at the thought of them touching other girls. Now, don't feel bad if you've made this mistake before: apparently all guys do this. But please, do feel bad if you don't take this opportunity to learn and correct your ways. You CAN just stop at "i love you." Quite frankly, that gets into our panties way faster.

-Gal

As My Heart Breaks

Enough For Everyone

I really feel like baking some time soon.

-Gal
----------
Hey Gal, you know how I know you're gay? See above.

HA! that's for calling my face challenged. You know how sensitive I am about it!

-Amy

Got Gin?

Don't pretend like you don't do this. We've all stood in front of a mirror at some point, practicing faces either for fun or because you want to know what other people see when you think you're looking wry. Me? I practice my faces whenever possible - passing by a window or mirror, waiting in lines, not listening to people speak... these are all valuable moments that we often take for granted as time wasted, when in fact, we could be improving our face-making skills. So try it! And if you're like me (challenged in the face making department) or like Amy (challenged in the face department xP just kidding) you might just find that all your hard work has paid off. Or you'll get killer face cramps. Until then, let's all drink gin and make wry faces =D

-Gal

I Charge By the Hour

I recall a comment Alice made previously saying she was afraid I'd make the caption for my brother's photo dirty. So, sorry Alice! I think other than this one, you won't see any more disturbing things where Jeffrey is involved (though I make no guarantees!)

Tonight, I was driving home from a frustrating visit to Shoprite (those self-check-out things make me absolutely insane) along Old Stage -- the usual route. I don't know, maybe it was the darkness, or the music, or the fact that I was pretty deeply immersed in some pointless thoughts about French bread, but I suddenly realized I couldn't identify where I was. It was so silly, because I had driven there about 1,000 times. So for the two seconds this feeling lasted, I was frantically wondering if an early case of Alsheimer's had set in. Anyway, recognition hit me shortly after -- still, it was just so surreal and disorienting and bizarre that I spent the rest of the ride home thinking about it. Had I experienced first-hand the sensation of being Lost In Thought? Was I just going fucking crazy? What a mystery. I guess the point I'm ultimately trying to come to is that it was kind of cool, this discovery of myself to be so detached from the world. However brief, it was a nice break from the chaos of this week.
-Amy

They Never Find My Clit

Table For Five

The Smile is Deceiving

They Ran the Stop Sign

no one ever wanted to elope with me =(

-Gal

Victory Was Mine

What Did You Name Yours?

I think we're ALL hoping neither Callum nor Elliott happens upon this website. And if they do, you'll know, because we'll be dead. In which case, enjoy our funerals and please remind these two ladies that it was all done in the name of art!
-Amy